Mistress of My Universe

The night that Quinn, Shellie and I picked beets, I was lying in bed in John’s blissfully breezy living room, contemplating my experience and how it reflected my self, and I had some moments of higher clarity. I could look all day long at what was going on around me, and make all kinds of inferences and assessments of the causes and effects of external forces, and how these events me feel. But I realized then, as I sometimes do, that this is not actually how the universe works at all.

ALL our experiences are a direct manifestation of Our Own energetics. It only seems like things just happen, that the world we experience is based on the cause and effect of material matters and influences, and that these events make us feel a certain way. But in reality, I am the center of my Universe, and it responds directly to my energetics. It is actually my true feelings that make the world around me.

Science shows us that subatomic particles behave in direct response to the expectation of the observer. If this is how the base particles of matter respond to consciousness, then it follows that all matter responds to consciousness in this way as well. The universe is alive and responding to ME exactly as I dictate.

I am the master of my own universe… or would be if I were fully aware of my self. But I am not  truly master of  my own being, nor therefore my universe, as I am usually unaware of much about myself. Without full consciousness, there is much that occurs in my universe without my conscious input or choice or understanding or even awareness.

Because the universe responds to my true energetics, it shows me myself. Looking at the my universe, looking at my experience, I have the opportunity to become aware of more of myself.

So, what I am most inspired by and interested in lately, if you have not yet gathered, is Love. Since falling in Love with Quinn, I have been through an incredibly vast of array of experiences of Love, shedding many ideas, attachments and expectations along the way… so far.

Early on in both our relationship and in the exploration of consciousness that is the foundation of our relationship, I came to embrace Love as truly important to me. That alone was so scary for me, and also so fulfilling once I was able to embrace and accept the vulnerability that comes with Loving. This moment of supreme truth was one of the most powerful and life altering epiphanies I have ever had. Prior to that moment, without even being aware of it, I had been living my entire life in denial of my true desire to Love and be Loved. As soon as I embraced this truth, my whole world shifted, and in an instant I felt totally In Love. Not in Love specifically with anyone or anything, just completely in Love, and totally fulfilled in that moment.

Then I started learning how to take full responsibility for my Love in loving Quinn- loving without attachment, expectation or ideas, but simply because it is true and because it feels so good. This, in and of itself, has been quite the ongoing process, as I continue to become aware of all the many ideas, attachments and expectations I have held regarding Love, and what it is and means, and how it should look and feel as relationships plays out in time-space realities.

Much of what I have been re-thinking in the past couple months are the ideas I have held in regards to the forms which Love takes, and the meanings I have attached to those forms. In regards to his dynamic with Shellie, the primary form has been sex. I had a lot of ideas about what it meant for him and her, and what it would mean for us if this form were to be a part of their expression of Love. My experience has shown me that these ideas were not all Truth, and has challenged me to really FEEL truth for myself.

At the point where the “Love Ever True” story leaves off, a couple weeks ago, I was so happy that I was able to Love and be Loved still, despite the occasional occurrence of a form of Love exchange which I had previously thought would automatically negate or destroy my Love. I had come to a place of true embrace and genuine support of Quinn’s total freedom to be and live exactly as he is most inspired to do. This is how I wish to be Loved, and so also how I would choose to Love. This was my ideal and I was choosing to live my life by that.

Yet I was still experiencing much fear, resistance and generally feeling bad in regards to this form of sexual exchange outside of our relationship.  I was still often having disconcerting thoughts and experiencing fear in relation to this form, and trying to control of manipulate situations to prevent the “straying” of Quinn’s Love. Even though the instances of Quinn choosing the intimate company of another had been relatively few and far between, I felt somehow that I would be deprived if someone else got his Love, as if I needed it.

I thought I had come to a place of true peace with this form, having seen for myself that I was still Loved by him and I was still able to Love him, even more freely and truly than before…right? So why then was I still having these feelings?

Not only was I still experiencing fear and resistance in regards to his exchanges with Shellie, but I was also finding myself constantly seeking his approval. I would notice myself thinking very often of how he would react to my actions or decisions, if he would be pleased or displeased. If he was pleased, I would feel Loved, and if not, then I would not feel Loved…

I realized that was basing my whole life on “getting” his Love. This was very disconcerting to me. This was certainly not living Free or True, but living a life of fear. Oh no! Not again!

I was feeling less and less connected with Quinn, less and less connected with myself, questioning my decision to move to Kennedale, questioning what was really truly important to me, and how I was living my entire life.

So many doubts. Would all this be worth it? Was I living by ideas, just trying to live up to an ideal that didn’t really feel good or true? Was Quinn really going to be for me what I wanted him to be for me? And what even did I want from him? What was really in my best interest?

It was becoming more clear from my awareness of all these feelings and fears that, although I was able to largely “get over” ideas about a form of exchange which I previously thought was a huge threat to our relationship, I was still very attached to the perpetuation of our relationship, specifically in a particular form.

Attachment is not ideal, certainly, but I realize that I have acted in fear of it. By being afraid to be attached, I was trying to prove to myself that I was not attached, and mentally exploring all kinds of realities of detachment from Quinn. Among them was the idea that I could be with him, live with him, Love him and yet not care what he did at all.

I rationalized that if I were fully and truly a self-existing empowered being, then I would not care if Quinn Loves me or not, or who else he Loves or how he shares that Love with them. There may have been some truth to that, yet I was going about it by trying, and trying is not the way. In trying, I was also denying my own truth in many moments, and building myself a little cage of ideas yet again.

I thought that by staying in a situation where I experienced severe discomfort as a result of caring about another, that this would somehow catalyze me into full self-existance and empowerment, simply because this would be my only other option besides severe discomfort… or leaving.

Well, I found myself contemplating leaving, at least for a little while, who knew how long, that day we picked beets. And the thoughts came into my head more and more over the next week or two. This was the other way that I thought I could live free and true to myself, yet it would be without Quinn.

I know I am capable of being independent, totally self sufficient and being at least reasonably content that way. It has been my default since childhood, and ingrained and practiced throughout adulthood to near perfection. I am able to operate highly functionally and feel really good without anyone else in particular having to be a part of that. If I wasn’t able to be happy and fulfilled within this relationship, then I could just leave. But was that really going to be an upgrade for me? Where was I really coming from with all these thoughts and feelings? In truth, I have had one foot out the door since moving to Texas.

It has been dizzying, they way I have fluctuated the last couple of weeks, unclear about my own true feelings. It was true that our relationship, our connection, our True Love was of utmost importance to me. But they way I was experiencing and expressing that importance was totally fucked. I was vacillating between embracing my Love and denying it; wanting Quinn and wanting to not want him; being responsible for my experience, and blaming others for my feeling bad.

I believe that we manifest forms that will provide us with the experiences that will provide opportunity for us to learn and grow in ways that are most important and beneficial to us at a given time. Whether we actually glean maximum benefit from those experiences is up to us. So, I asked myself, what were the root formless energetics within me that were causing these forms to manifest in my experience?

It was clear to me from the experience of lack of these feelings that I wanted to be Loved and cherished above all others, and to feel secure in that Love. It was also clear that I was looking outside myself to have these desires fulfilled.

I was experiencing not being Loved above all others and feeling insecure because I was not loving myself above all others. I was putting my Love for Quinn above my own Love for myself, and my own Truth and Freedom.  By living for his Love, rather than feeling fulfilled with my own Love, I was forsaking my own Love for myself. And if I was forsaking my own Love for myself, then of course my experience of sharing Love with others would reflect this.

I saw a clear metaphor between the reality of me putting another before myself, and also the experience of feeling like the one most important to me was putting another before me at times. I was making decisions based on what I thought was important to someone else  over what was important to me. I was putting the importance of someone else’s feelings about be before the importance of my own feelings about myself. And life was doing the same, of course.

My life was treating me the same way that I was treating myself. Then I realized, my life IS MY SELF! It is a big expanded version of myself, and the way I feel about my life and the various people and dynamics within it are just a manifestation, a perfect reflection of how I feel about myself. Life will treat me however I treat myself!

As mistress of My Own Universe, I was able to see a bit more clearly how the responsibility of creating my life was truly mine and no one else’s. With great power comes great responsibility.



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Susanne
    Aug 09, 2012 @ 07:56:39

    Wow. That is deep. Thanx for sharing.


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“Love Ever True”

The Story of How Quinn, Shellie and I Came to Live In Love Together

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