Tunnel-of-Love Vision

Back in the Garden of Eden, back in the drivers seat of my experience,  I was doing my best to steer myself consciously toward love and awareness. I wanted so much for Quinn and I to love one another and for our love to grow, to flourish, and to nurture each of us and our yet unborn baby.

It felt SO good to be in a place of allowing myself to desire and dream again. The simple embrace of hope allowed me to fantasize, which allowed me to tap into the feelings I wanted to feel, right then and there. And once I had come into the place of feeling the feeling of having whatever I wanted to have or being whatever I wanted to be, I would consciously remind myself that it was the feeling I was after, after all.

This did much to improve my experience of living day to day with Quinn and Shellie, as did the influx of interns who were to live and work at the Garden of Eden. We were up to seven adults, one child and three cats. I don’t recall exactly when everyone arrived, but I do remember that it was much more enjoyable for me to live there as part of a community, rather than an imbalanced and awkward threesome, as it had been for a few weeks after my initial move.

I had scheduled a trip to visit friends and family back in Rochester, New York, the city where I grew up and where my parents still lived. When I first made the plans it seemed like a great chance to escape the stress of acclimating to so many new aspects of life, and to really step back and consider whether all this was really in my best interest. By the time my scheduled departure date came around, I had mixed feelings about going.

On the one hand, I was a bit afraid of what might happen in my absence. Would Quinn forget about me completely in his full-on, full speed embrace of the ever-changing, eternal now? Would Shellie make her super-secret special move to surreptitiously “steal” him back? Would someone else enter the picture from among the many, many, many other women who are both openly and secretly in love with Quinn, both at home and abroad?

Putting these fears aside, I decided to focus what was important to me, and loving Quinn was still high on the list. Loving myself was also high on the list, and I did need a little break from the emotionally hectic environment I was in. I had been having trouble sleeping, even still, even despite my best efforts to get a grip on my fear-based thoughts. I kept finding myself on the brink of sleep and waking with a rush of fear when it crossed my sleepy, half-conscious mind, that Quinn might be exchanging intimately with Shellie. I hoped that being away would help me to completely tune out of Quinn and what was going on for him, more fully let go of my many attachments regarding him, and finally relax a bit.

The guilt I felt when I considered that I was incubating my unborn child in stress hormones was another major motivating factor for me to find a way to chill out, ASAP. I mean chill out both literally and figuratively, as it was at this time mid July in the hottest summer even Texas had seen in a long time. We had gone over forty days in triple digit temperatures, and being a very “green” home, we did not use air conditioning, just a few fans. I had a stash of hand towels and a crock of water by the side of the bed that I called my “AC towels”, which actually were quite effective at keeping me cool when placed wet on my body with a fan blowing on me. Still, a break from the heat was quite welcome at seven months pregnant.

So I went, without a return ticket, to stay for as long as I felt like staying. I knew when I left that it would not likely be for too long, and that I would almost certainly return. Yet there was a part of me that wanted to let Quinn believe that I was really considering not coming back, so that he might realize that he could possibly lose me. The possibility of loss, I had hoped, might trigger some deeper sense of appreciation and actions to support that. Of course, I was not willing to acknowledge this aloud to him or anyone, but kept it my own private agenda.

The time and space away from Quinn and everything that was a part of our life back in Texas gave me a nice little bubble in which to meditate and consider deeply what the hell had been going on for the last few months. It had been really intense, making such a major transition- moving to a new home in a state I had never even visited, in a new relationship, trying out a completely new relationship dynamic, all the while pregnant with my first baby. Holy shit! It was so much to process and digest, seemingly so fast, way more than I had been able to keep up with. I was thankful for some reprieve.

Lying in bed, alone for the entire night for the first time in a long time, what felt most important for me to consider was how I had been responsible for the degradation of my own experience of love, and also therefore how I could empower myself to also be responsible for an improvement in my own experience. I became acutely aware that I had allowed myself to spend a huge proportion of my time to be dominated by these  fear based thoughts and feelings, which overwhelmed my being and therefore my life. I realized that I had been blowing things way out of proportion.

When I began to really consider what I had actually seen, I realized that the reality was that there was much evidence that the love Quinn was sharing with Shellie was of a very different nature than that which he shared with me. I had feared that he was “getting back together” with her, falling in love with her all over again. But when I removed the fear goggles through which I had been viewing all their interactions, I could easily see that that was not what was happening. And I had been making a mountain out of a molehill.

The reality was that Quinn had been spending almost all of his nights and down time with me, going to visit his parents with me, sleeping with me, watching anime series with me, kissing and hugging me, flirting with me, not with Shellie. Trying to be more objective in my perspective, I saw that Shellie was more and more openly loving and adoring Quinn every chance she got, and Quinn was lovingly allowing her to do so whenever it was convenient for him. He did not appear going out of his way to make time to be with her.

While I had been spending every night and much of the day thinking about Quinn’s involvement with Shellie, he had actually spent very little time with her. He had disappeared into the privacy of her bedroom only once about every couple of weeks or so, for a few hours or so, usually at times when I was asleep. In fact, when I thought about it, I could at that point actually still count on both hands the number of times that Quinn spent any time alone with Shellie at all, since I had moved there a few months before.

I had felt so much like he was choosing her over me in a general sort of way, and felt very hurt about this. But when I considered it from the perspective of time, in a specific way, the instances of this actually happening were few. It had happened only once or twice that I was awake and wanting to be with him and he chose to go and be with Shellie instead, and even then he came back to bed a few hours later, still very obviously in love with me, as I had feared would not and could not be the case if he also loved Shellie.

Mostly I had been focusing on the fact that they were being so intimate, and going out of my mind about it. In all my fear and frenzy, I had not really considered why and how these moments had come about,what it meant to each of them, and what that meant to me. I was so focused on the form that I forgot to pay any attention to the formless energetics from which these forms were manifesting, which is the far more important matter.

Quinn, for his part, seemed to enjoy her affections, but not to really return them, at least not in the same way. I had seen them flirt only once, in a very playful manner, during an impromptu wrestling match int he kitchen. I had never once seen them kiss, and when I asked Quinn if they ever “made out”, he gave a slight chuckle, almost a scoff, and replied that he and Shellie had not “made out” in years.

I had seen it many times that he would be sitting in relaxation or on his computer, and she would go over and sit close to him, and massage, caress or embrace him, and he would usually surrender into her adoration. Upon receiving her touch, he would simply go limp, as he usually does when receiving a massage, consciously choosing to go into a deep state of relaxation to receive optimum benefit. He was just doing what any sane, self-loving person would do and saying “yes” to being adored and served. It now seemed that it was very clearly she who appeared to be initiating contact, and she who was actively touching him, she whose energy was pulling for his.

Once I really thought about it, I could not recall seeing him initiate any intimate contact with her in front of me, nor even ever return her loving caresses with much more than an arm around her or resting on her body.  The most actively intimate I had actually witnessed Quinn being with Shellie was when he would lovingly gaze into her eyes for many minutes at times, in a vortex of love. But this is not at all unusual for Quinn, as he does this with complete strangers, men and women alike, and therefore is not reasonable evidence, in and of itself, of him being more in love with Shellie than he is with everyone/me in particular, as I had feared was the case.

What a relief! I was the one who had been making things so hard on myself, all through the power of my focus. I was so happy to realize that my worst fears had NOT been coming true, right before my eyes, not yet anyway.

Sure, I was still very insecure and giving lots of power to ideas, attachments and expectations, true. I still had lots of ideas about Love, and sex, and major attachment to Quinn and our relationship, and loads of expectations on that. I was still feeling very insecure about my future, our future together, and lots of attachment and expectation surrounding that too.

But at least I had found a perspective that felt better, that served my immediate well being. At least I had found some power through taking responsibility for my own focus and also for what what I was bringing to the table.

I realized too that all the separation I had been feeling from Quinn since moving to Kennedale was primarily because I was the one who was not in a state of love. I was not loving him. I was the one in judgment. I was the one trying to manipulate and control him.  I was the one putting conditions and restrictions on love. I was the one who was allowing fear and jealousy and lack to dominate my vibration. I was the one shutting out love.

How wonderful! Yes, WONDERFUL!

Responsibility is the key to empowerment.

By taking full responsibility for all that sucked-ass about my experience, I simultaneously empowered myself to create a new reality. And that felt SO GOOD!

So, if all my experience was created by my focus, all I had to do to create a more enjoyable experience for myself was to focus on what did feel good, on what I did want. Duh. So simple and yet so c0mplex.

I resolved to narrow my focus and concentrate on what really mattered to me, which was the flourishing of love between me and Quinn. I decided to stop thinking about Quinn and Shellie all the time, to stop asking him all kinds of questions about their relationship all day and night long, to stop focusing on their love and start focusing on ours.

In fact, I would stop thinking about Quinn’s relationships with anyone else at all, particularly those that I felt were a threat to our relationship. There are about a million women in love with him whom he connects and interacts with primarily through the internet. So in my consciously narrowed focus, I would also stop looking over his shoulder when he was chatting or messaging on facebook, stop wondering if these women would decide to embrace the importance of being with him and come to be with him, stop fearing that he would welcome and love them to my exclusion.

I would focus as much as I possibly could on looking for all the evidence I could find that he was totally in love with me, and that I had every reason to feel secure. I would tune into the feeling of our love as often as possible. I would tune in to the feeling of trusting in the truth and power of our love as deeply as I was able, and shut out fears and doubts that anything would happen that I did not want to happen.

I would create a vortex of love in my own mind and view my life through this tunnel vision, only, as much as possible. Fantasizing, for the purpose of conjuring a feeling, was easy and fun. Finding true belief, cultivating real faith, would still require some time and dedication, but I was clear that it would be fully worth the investment. My previous step was coming into the belief that I could create the life and love that I desired for myself. Now my task was to envision and feel my way to that reality.

I was clear and firm within myself that Quinn and I were the ONLY ones who would hold the power to make or break our relationship, and that nothing and no one else would come between us, unless WE allowed it to.

Feeling optimistic and empowered about my relationship to Quinn, I returned to the Garden of Eden, to try again to love, Truly.

Summer Spiral

I was getting used to living with Quinn and Shellie both, all three of us together. My experience of this unique three part dynamic was getting better, as I tuned in to True Love and importance.

And then, it was getting worse. And worse. And worse.

I hated the place we were living. Hated it from the start, but had chosen to “make the best of it”. I had made some small changes to the space itself that helped make it tolerable. But I was overwhelmed by all that I did not like about it. The odd colored wall to wall carpet that was everywhere, even in my bathroom. The country-kitsch- patchwork-deco wall that dominated the kitchen. The absence of lights everywhere. The obscure pathways into and around the house. The piles and piles of unorganized, long accumulated stuff that literally filled every room of the house but the kitchen. The heat, the humidity, the MOSQUITOES.

I was still judging Shellie a lot, looking for all the ways that she clearly did not deserve to be loved, all the ways that I was better than her. Although I had made the decision to love her, and to embrace her, I was really challenged at this. I was scraping for things to like about her, clinging dearly for any small amount of genuine appreciation that I felt. Even with that, I was sometimes utterly repulsed by certain aspects of her personality and behavior.

And I especially hated how I felt about what I had thought was True Love, and was now seeming like a fiction of my imagination, and a huge mistake. I had left a life I really enjoyed in a place I LOVED, for this. Living in what seemed like a cross between episodes of  “Hoarders” and “Sister Wives” in all the worst ways.

I was in major decline. A constant rampage of negative thoughts and feelings flooded my waking experience, and also kept me from sleeping. I would jolt awake after almost having fallen asleep, with the wonder about where Quinn was and what he might be doing. I was incessantly thinking about Quinn and Shellie, and how the way they shared and interacted with one another essentially voided the love that I had thought Quinn and I shared. I was afraid that at any minute, Quinn would dramatically shift, and stop loving me altogether, and be totally in love with Shellie, and that my life would then suck forever.

Of course it is easy to see when we are in connection that our fears are irrational and baseless. Yet when we are disconnected, they seem so reasonable and real. I was in major disconnection, with no light in sight, mired in misery.

There was an aspect of me that hoped that at a certain point of my feeling bad enough, Quinn would look at me and say, “Okay baby, this clearly isn’t working for you. You are the most important person in my life. What is important to you is important to me. We can do anything we want. Let’s go somewhere else and live just you and me”.

This was not to be. One day when he came back to our bedroom from a private session with Shellie, I told him plainly that it made me feel  really bad that he had left me alone to go be with her, intimately. His reply was simply “That’s fine, but I am not going to let that stop me from feeling good”. And that was his stance. Nothing I could say or do or feel was going to stop him from doing whatever he wanted, whatever he felt like doing, whatever he enjoyed. Nothing.

I couldn’t fathom how he could “love” me and have such little regard for my feelings. Here I was, the most vulnerable I have allowed myself to be since childhood- hopelessly in love, pregnant, in a new home, at the mercy of my lover. And he had no compassion, no inclination to restrain or restrict himself in the slightest for my sake. He was utterly unfazed by my heartache.

Each week we went to his parents house for a day. His mother showered us with delectable foods and treats, and his father, a highly skilled massage therapist, gave me my weekly massage. Usually, we went alone, without Shellie. She had come along a few times, but was slightly less than welcome since Barb had never really liked or approved of her former best friend hooking up with her son. So these weekly visits had become for a time a little Shellie-vacation for me. A time when Quinn and I were adored and appreciated as the loving couple we were, without anyone vying for Quinn’s attentions.

But my anxiety and hurt was overwhelming me to the point where not even this haven was enough to make me feel good and safe and in love. I felt sad and lonely. As we drove back home from one visit, I was numb with depression, speechless and without expression. Quinn showed genuine concern for what seemed like the first time. He said, “Baby, are you okay? I mean, I know you are okay, but are you okay?”.

I replied that I was, and I was not. And, really I was not. I could talk about it if he wanted, but I could only share if he were really willing to listen. I was not able to withstand any of his usual “sword of truth,” telling me sharply how it was all my own responsibility that I felt the way I did, and demanding that I see the light or that I deserved to continue suffering. He agreed to be gentle with me, and to listen.

Yet I really had nothing to say. I had given up on the hope that he would ever love me the way it seemed he once had, just a few short months ago. I had relinquished any claim to happiness with him as my lover. I had abandoned the fantasies of us loving one another so much that even without promised we kept ourselves solely for one another. I was left with nothing but depression and despair.

Overwhelmed by the complete shattering of the idea of this great Love that I had believed was mine and Quinn’s love, I cried hard and long. I was heartbroken, the worst I had ever experienced, by a lot. And lying in bed sobbing, the knife in my bleeding heart was twisted by the feeling that even though Quinn was there with me, ready to hold me, available to love me, I did not feel safe with him. I could not be consoled by him. I could not let him embrace me because I knew it would only make more apparent and more painful the void I felt between us.

I felt I had to leave. I felt there was no other choice if I were to have any chance at love or happiness. And for a few moments, I felt perfectly clear in this. Yet, when I stopped crying and he asked me if I had come to come clarity, I fell back into a dull fear. I was too afraid to say what I had felt, and too afraid to leave him. I felt I had no where else to go, no where that I wanted to be. I rationalized that even though I didn’t really want to be there, it was still the best place for me, because at least it was the most free.

So I decided to take a little space from this place and from Quinn, let myself breathe a bit. I figured that I would have a better chance of sleeping  too, if I were not in our shared bed, either alone because Quinn was with Shellie, or wondering if I might wake up to find him amiss. I went to Barb’s house with an overnight bag packed, prepared to stay for a day or two.

She was as supportive as she was able. She wanted very much to help me to feel better, to have the life and the relationship I thought I wanted to have, the things that would “make” me happy. She also very much wanted Shellie out of Quinn’s life and made that very plain. Although I had felt like this was a problem that was mostly mine and partially min and Quinn’s, she emphasized in our conversation that the problem was essentially the Shellie factor, even announcing to her husband and other son “Inok is upset because she does not like living with Shellie”. They looked at me somewhat sympathetically and almost puzzled, as if wondering why I had chosen to move there with her in the first place.

After a time of anti-Shellie talk, I decided that it was not helping at all. It was part of the problem, but not the entire problem, and anyway, focusing on the problem is no way to find a solution. So I shifted my focus and asked Barb to help me get some momentum of positive thinking generated. She directed me to her computer where she pulled up some youtube videos of Byron Katie, a motivational speaker and philosopher of sorts who has a system of examining one’s beliefs to feel better.

This seemed to help immensely, yet really it was all because of the simple decision I made to feel better. I watched many videos and went to bed with a pen and paper to do some of the suggested videos and some free writing.

I realized that, amongst the many factors that were playing into my grief, the most devastating thing I had done to myself was to give up hope that I would ever have what I wanted. I had stopped allowing myself to even want what I wanted, a mode which was all too normal for me.

That night I mustered all the hope I had left in me and began to allow myself to believe that it was indeed possible I could have what I wanted to have, that I could feel how I wanted to feel. I started there, with the simple possibility, and worked my way up in thought and feeling.

“It is possible that the meanings I have attached to Quinn’s actions do not have the same meaning for him, and were not intended by him. It is possible that I am now already more loved than I know. It is possible that I can be in love and loved in return in the way that I truly desire.”

Up and up I went until I was really having some fun fantasizing about how awesome my life could be, how great I could feel. It felt SO good to embrace my desires! To acknowledge and declare that I loved myself, and that I deserved to feel as good as I possibly could. To realize that life was bringing me the fulfillment of all my desires, and that I had only to trust and allow them into my life.

I went back home the next day, thankful to be in a state of love for myself once again. I was open to seeing the ways that I was already loved and appreciated. I was hopeful that the love that meant so much to me would flourish once more. And most importantly, I was committed to feeling good. I was consciously holding space for myself to feel better and better, continually checking my thoughts and steering them towards ideas that felt good.

It was the low point of my adult life, and it had passed. I had pulled myself out of the darkness. Love came to me from the place where I had not been looking for it- within myself.

I had previously become so disconnected from feeling good, from my own well being, that I was even disallowing my hopes and wants for the future. So disappointed in the recent now of the unmet expectations and painful attachments I had brought into my relationship with Quinn, I had been projecting my dejected state into the future as well, even playing out an ever downward spiraling drama in my mind. I hit quite a low before wresting control of myself and choosing to feel better NOW, and that meant getting a grip(!) on my rampant mental energy, which had run amok, and was ruining my experience of life.

The choice was powerful and simple. Once made, everything shifted, because I decided it would. I remembered that my experience of life is an experience of my self, like feedback from the harmonic output of my being, resonating through time-space. I had been resonating unconsciously, and the feedback I had been getting was letting me know loud and clearly, that I needed to change my inner tune. So I did, very deliberately, change the tune I was playing in my mind as often as I could remember to check myself, lest I wreck myself.

Instead of thinking about how unloved or unappreciated I felt, how my dream true-love story was unraveling I would consciously tune into the possibility of being more loved and more cherished than ever before. I would imagine and fantasize about what that would feel like. I would consider how it was possible that I was already more loved and cherished than I knew. I would contemplate the infinite nature of the universe, and how everything that is, was and ever would happen was simultaneously existing in this very now, including the reality where I felt like a Goddess- loved, adored, connected and super empowered.

I was tuning in, consciously, to the possibility that all my hopes and dreams were already awaiting me, right here and now. Thankful for hope, I breathed again.

Beal-sai, Love Guru

I have a new Love Guru these days. Her name is Beal-Sai.

She doesn’t have a website, or a facebook page, or a blog, or a book or even a single word of wisdom. She teaches purely by example.

She lives, she loves, simply and truly. She loves without ideas, attachments or expectations.

She is totally free in the genuine expression of her truth from moment to moment, without shame, judgment, blame, guilt or any of the other dysfunctional emotions most of us experience in our relationships on a regular basis.

She has provided me with some of the most profound lessons about Love that I have recently learned.

Lesson 1: Unconditional Love

Beal-Sai Loves Truly, and unconditionally. When she Loves, it is simply because she does, because it feels good, right then in that moment. The recipients of her Love need not earn it, nor deserve it nor even return it in order to receive it. They need not be beautiful, nor smart, nor accomplished, nor happy nor sad, nor any other thing which we often see as meriting “Love”.

She is not attached to the form of Love. She does not seek to define her relationships in the present, nor to get any promises of Love or connection in the future. Those whom she loves are not held to any standards or beliefs about how they should be with her or how they should treat her if they are to deserve her Love.

She is perfectly content to Love, just for Loving, without holding on or trying to make that Love last, or trying to make the recipient of Her Love conform to any standards.

If they wrong her, they will likely be forgiven. If they deny her, they will likely be given another opportunity, whenever it feels right for her.

(The first portion of this blog entry was started over a year ago, and the lessons this pure one has taught me are still important today, so I shall continue where I left off. )

Lesson 2: Love for the sake of love

Beal-sai is not using her love to fill any void within herself. She loves just because that is the true expression of who and what she is. She does not love for any “reasons” and there are no reasons why she would withhold or deny her true love. Her love exists the same way as she exists- she just exists and that is enough.

She is not attaching any value to herself because of her love, nor is she trying to prove that she is loved and therefore valued and worthy of being loved.  She does not gain social status or position because she is loving or loved, nor would she ever be interested in such an exchange. In this regard her love is so pure, so true.

Lesson 3: Love without attachment or expectation.

Beal-sai is able to love so purely and truly in part because she has no attachment or expectation regarding the behavior of those whom she loves. She is not loving them and expecting that she will be therefore treated in any sort of way, or even loved in return. She is not asking for promises of future love or even considering such things. She does not care if the one she loves most also loves her the most, nor if they love others in the same way they love her.

In this way she is fully liberated in her love, and able to just Love. Her love does not depend on anything, but is able to just exist.

Beal-Sai is a dog. Literally. Specifically she is Quinn’s parents’ dog.

The observations that led me to these revelations and this blog post were made over a year ago when Quinn and I were dog-sitting for a week at Barb’s house.

Our time there felt much like a little vacation in many ways. I was grateful to have the time with Quinn all to myself, having to share his attentions only with our little Love Guru. She showed no signs of jealousy, yet certainly showed an interest in being a part of or at least near by to any loving that was going on between us.

I, on the other hand, had been in the grips of jealousy and had not appreciated “sharing” Quinn with Shellie at the home we three had come to share. I had many judgments about Quinn and Shellie both, both as individual people and as they related to each other.

I wanted so much to let go if the many ideas, attachments and expectations that were then crippling my own ability to love and feel loved in return. I wanted to love Quinn freely and truly, and realized that this could not exist with all the conditions I was putting on my love. In seeing little Beal-Sai, I was so inspired by how her mode of being and loving could greatly benefit me.

There was one evening when I woke from a nap and went to seek out Quinn, feeling a strong pull to be near to him. I looked around the house, and not seeing him anywhere, concluded that he was in Shellie’s room. I thought to myself, “If I had no attachment or expectations, but just true love, I would be totally fine with Quinn doing whatever he is doing with Shellie right now, and therefore would feel totally fine with just strolling in and plopping down beside them”. I realized that was not the case, but enjoyed the comparison and chose to release once more another layer of ideas.

I did this not for Quinn, not to liberate him from my constraints. Obviously I was not having much of a constraining effect on him. I did this for me. I wanted my love to be liberated. I wanted to be capable of loving this way, so that I could have reliable, unrestricted access to my own feelings of love. And if I truly had no expectations or attachments to how my love was received, I would also potentially gain unrestricted access to my loved one.

In the example above, it was obvious why my presence would not be welcome if I had been to enter Shellie’s room with attachment and expectation about what they were doing, why they were doing it, and what I thought that meant for me. Beal-Sai had come into the bedroom one afternoon while Quinn and I were engaged sexually. She just strolled up and plopped down on the corner of the bed, happy to be in the misdst of a loving exchange. That would not have been the case for me if I had happened upon Shellie and Quinn engaging sexually. And I realized that the only real difference was where I was coming from.

I was coming from a place of judgment, attachment and expectation. Beal-Sai was coming from a place of pure love. There was no reason for us to exclude her from our presence because she was not creating one. She would not have judged our bodies, our character, our actions. She would have had no attachment to how she was received, whether she was included, acknowledged or ever ejected from the room. She was in full and complete acceptance of everything going on and therefore she was fully and completely acceptable to us.

If I had gone in there to find Quinn and Shellie engaging sexually, I would have most likely judged them in many ways. I would have most likely wanted to get some attention, some validation that I was important and loved too. I would have most likely been very uncomfortable and thereby made everyone very uncomfortable.

Now, I am not necessarily saying that I have any particular desire to be present while Quinn and Shellie engage sexually. What I wanted was to be free to love him always, to be with him always, if that is what I wanted. I realized through watching this little puppy that the power to liberate my love rested in with me.

I also wanted very much, in a purely selfish way, to BE someone who is capable of loving as purely and truly as this. I envision my greater self as someone so fulfilled, so pure and loving that I have no needs of others and can just go around overflowing with love, abundantly showering my love upon all those who cross my path. I want to be the one who loves this beautiful, God-like love. I want to inspire others to be this too. I want the gift of my awesome love to be available for me to give to those whom I really do love, because I love them and I want them to have the very best love I can give them.

I am so thankful to have been inspired to be more of what I want to be and know I can be. Thank you Beal-Sai, love guru, for showing me what it means to love freely and truly.

 

Mistress of My Universe

The night that Quinn, Shellie and I picked beets, I was lying in bed in John’s blissfully breezy living room, contemplating my experience and how it reflected my self, and I had some moments of higher clarity. I could look all day long at what was going on around me, and make all kinds of inferences and assessments of the causes and effects of external forces, and how these events me feel. But I realized then, as I sometimes do, that this is not actually how the universe works at all.

ALL our experiences are a direct manifestation of Our Own energetics. It only seems like things just happen, that the world we experience is based on the cause and effect of material matters and influences, and that these events make us feel a certain way. But in reality, I am the center of my Universe, and it responds directly to my energetics. It is actually my true feelings that make the world around me.

Science shows us that subatomic particles behave in direct response to the expectation of the observer. If this is how the base particles of matter respond to consciousness, then it follows that all matter responds to consciousness in this way as well. The universe is alive and responding to ME exactly as I dictate.

I am the master of my own universe… or would be if I were fully aware of my self. But I am not  truly master of  my own being, nor therefore my universe, as I am usually unaware of much about myself. Without full consciousness, there is much that occurs in my universe without my conscious input or choice or understanding or even awareness.

Because the universe responds to my true energetics, it shows me myself. Looking at the my universe, looking at my experience, I have the opportunity to become aware of more of myself.

So, what I am most inspired by and interested in lately, if you have not yet gathered, is Love. Since falling in Love with Quinn, I have been through an incredibly vast of array of experiences of Love, shedding many ideas, attachments and expectations along the way… so far.

Early on in both our relationship and in the exploration of consciousness that is the foundation of our relationship, I came to embrace Love as truly important to me. That alone was so scary for me, and also so fulfilling once I was able to embrace and accept the vulnerability that comes with Loving. This moment of supreme truth was one of the most powerful and life altering epiphanies I have ever had. Prior to that moment, without even being aware of it, I had been living my entire life in denial of my true desire to Love and be Loved. As soon as I embraced this truth, my whole world shifted, and in an instant I felt totally In Love. Not in Love specifically with anyone or anything, just completely in Love, and totally fulfilled in that moment.

Then I started learning how to take full responsibility for my Love in loving Quinn- loving without attachment, expectation or ideas, but simply because it is true and because it feels so good. This, in and of itself, has been quite the ongoing process, as I continue to become aware of all the many ideas, attachments and expectations I have held regarding Love, and what it is and means, and how it should look and feel as relationships plays out in time-space realities.

Much of what I have been re-thinking in the past couple months are the ideas I have held in regards to the forms which Love takes, and the meanings I have attached to those forms. In regards to his dynamic with Shellie, the primary form has been sex. I had a lot of ideas about what it meant for him and her, and what it would mean for us if this form were to be a part of their expression of Love. My experience has shown me that these ideas were not all Truth, and has challenged me to really FEEL truth for myself.

At the point where the “Love Ever True” story leaves off, a couple weeks ago, I was so happy that I was able to Love and be Loved still, despite the occasional occurrence of a form of Love exchange which I had previously thought would automatically negate or destroy my Love. I had come to a place of true embrace and genuine support of Quinn’s total freedom to be and live exactly as he is most inspired to do. This is how I wish to be Loved, and so also how I would choose to Love. This was my ideal and I was choosing to live my life by that.

Yet I was still experiencing much fear, resistance and generally feeling bad in regards to this form of sexual exchange outside of our relationship.  I was still often having disconcerting thoughts and experiencing fear in relation to this form, and trying to control of manipulate situations to prevent the “straying” of Quinn’s Love. Even though the instances of Quinn choosing the intimate company of another had been relatively few and far between, I felt somehow that I would be deprived if someone else got his Love, as if I needed it.

I thought I had come to a place of true peace with this form, having seen for myself that I was still Loved by him and I was still able to Love him, even more freely and truly than before…right? So why then was I still having these feelings?

Not only was I still experiencing fear and resistance in regards to his exchanges with Shellie, but I was also finding myself constantly seeking his approval. I would notice myself thinking very often of how he would react to my actions or decisions, if he would be pleased or displeased. If he was pleased, I would feel Loved, and if not, then I would not feel Loved…

I realized that was basing my whole life on “getting” his Love. This was very disconcerting to me. This was certainly not living Free or True, but living a life of fear. Oh no! Not again!

I was feeling less and less connected with Quinn, less and less connected with myself, questioning my decision to move to Kennedale, questioning what was really truly important to me, and how I was living my entire life.

So many doubts. Would all this be worth it? Was I living by ideas, just trying to live up to an ideal that didn’t really feel good or true? Was Quinn really going to be for me what I wanted him to be for me? And what even did I want from him? What was really in my best interest?

It was becoming more clear from my awareness of all these feelings and fears that, although I was able to largely “get over” ideas about a form of exchange which I previously thought was a huge threat to our relationship, I was still very attached to the perpetuation of our relationship, specifically in a particular form.

Attachment is not ideal, certainly, but I realize that I have acted in fear of it. By being afraid to be attached, I was trying to prove to myself that I was not attached, and mentally exploring all kinds of realities of detachment from Quinn. Among them was the idea that I could be with him, live with him, Love him and yet not care what he did at all.

I rationalized that if I were fully and truly a self-existing empowered being, then I would not care if Quinn Loves me or not, or who else he Loves or how he shares that Love with them. There may have been some truth to that, yet I was going about it by trying, and trying is not the way. In trying, I was also denying my own truth in many moments, and building myself a little cage of ideas yet again.

I thought that by staying in a situation where I experienced severe discomfort as a result of caring about another, that this would somehow catalyze me into full self-existance and empowerment, simply because this would be my only other option besides severe discomfort… or leaving.

Well, I found myself contemplating leaving, at least for a little while, who knew how long, that day we picked beets. And the thoughts came into my head more and more over the next week or two. This was the other way that I thought I could live free and true to myself, yet it would be without Quinn.

I know I am capable of being independent, totally self sufficient and being at least reasonably content that way. It has been my default since childhood, and ingrained and practiced throughout adulthood to near perfection. I am able to operate highly functionally and feel really good without anyone else in particular having to be a part of that. If I wasn’t able to be happy and fulfilled within this relationship, then I could just leave. But was that really going to be an upgrade for me? Where was I really coming from with all these thoughts and feelings? In truth, I have had one foot out the door since moving to Texas.

It has been dizzying, they way I have fluctuated the last couple of weeks, unclear about my own true feelings. It was true that our relationship, our connection, our True Love was of utmost importance to me. But they way I was experiencing and expressing that importance was totally fucked. I was vacillating between embracing my Love and denying it; wanting Quinn and wanting to not want him; being responsible for my experience, and blaming others for my feeling bad.

I believe that we manifest forms that will provide us with the experiences that will provide opportunity for us to learn and grow in ways that are most important and beneficial to us at a given time. Whether we actually glean maximum benefit from those experiences is up to us. So, I asked myself, what were the root formless energetics within me that were causing these forms to manifest in my experience?

It was clear to me from the experience of lack of these feelings that I wanted to be Loved and cherished above all others, and to feel secure in that Love. It was also clear that I was looking outside myself to have these desires fulfilled.

I was experiencing not being Loved above all others and feeling insecure because I was not loving myself above all others. I was putting my Love for Quinn above my own Love for myself, and my own Truth and Freedom.  By living for his Love, rather than feeling fulfilled with my own Love, I was forsaking my own Love for myself. And if I was forsaking my own Love for myself, then of course my experience of sharing Love with others would reflect this.

I saw a clear metaphor between the reality of me putting another before myself, and also the experience of feeling like the one most important to me was putting another before me at times. I was making decisions based on what I thought was important to someone else  over what was important to me. I was putting the importance of someone else’s feelings about be before the importance of my own feelings about myself. And life was doing the same, of course.

My life was treating me the same way that I was treating myself. Then I realized, my life IS MY SELF! It is a big expanded version of myself, and the way I feel about my life and the various people and dynamics within it are just a manifestation, a perfect reflection of how I feel about myself. Life will treat me however I treat myself!

As mistress of My Own Universe, I was able to see a bit more clearly how the responsibility of creating my life was truly mine and no one else’s. With great power comes great responsibility.

 

Like a Sister… Kind of

Lots of people use this expression, to love another “like a sister”.

I used it one night when I was talking to Shellie about our relationship to one another, but I meant it in a slightly different sort of way than perhaps most would use it.

A few days after completing our articles for Rethinking Everything Magazine, Shellie brought about an opportunity for us to go and harvest and collect lots of beets, some herbs, and there was also a fresh water spring nearby.

On the morning this came up, I was actually feeling quite stressed. I had been feeling really disconnected from Quinn, and the Garden of Eden, and really off center within myself,  and was considering how nice it might be to just get out for a bit, go somewhere breezy and natural, with no one around.

Quinn came into our room and told me about this opportunity, and said he would go for sure, and asked if I wanted to come too. I considered it for a moment, and it seemed like it could just fit the bill of what I was already asking for. So I said I would go, and started to feel a bit excited about our little adventure. Then I asked if Shellie was coming, and upon receiving an affirmative answer, I noticed the glow of my excitement begin to fade.

I was in a really great place of accepting and supporting whatever was important to Quinn, including his relationship with Shellie. However, I was still not “in Love” with her. I still felt a lot of resistance to her being around me, often noticing myself silently criticizing her, and finding all kinds of reasons not to fully embrace her. Conversely, I had also been on  alert for any amount of true appreciation or enjoyment all the time, and often using whatever ideas I could to try to support an argument in favor of liking her. I was trying to convince myself of her value in order to appreciate her.

I wanted to like her, and even to Love her. I knew that she was providing me with immense opportunity for growth, just by her willingness to be where she was in relation to me and Quinn, and also by giving up her home to Quinn and therefore to me too. I felt sometimes like such a brat and a bitch for the thoughts I had about her, and how I was shutting her out most of the time. I was “trying” at times to find ways to like and Love her, and just letting go at other times, recognizing that trying is not the way. But in truth I was really just not satisfied with where I truly was with the matter. I was still in a state of inner disharmony, unable to be in full embrace of either Loving her or not.

So it was with some degree of annoyance that I got into my little black pick-up for the trip, squeezed in next to her. For the first time, I opted to have her sit in the middle, next to Quinn, and took the slightly more spacious passenger seat for myself. The middle seat had been quite a scrunch the last time I was sandwiched there, with my expanding belly making it ever more uncomfortable to sit in a crouched position. Anyway I wanted to be alone that day, and the window seat would suit me just fine.

We drove a little over an hour to get to the farm where we picked beets. I tried my best to make a little energetic bubble for myself, but I still noticed myself feeling encroached and bothered by Shelllie’s presence. Though I knew there were many reasons for and aspects of benefit to her presence, I still did not actually want her there with us.

We had started our journey in the evening, and finished picking beets as the sun set. We would stay at the home of the man who had grown the beets, John, where he lived with his young daughter, Aya,  for the night and make beet-based foods the next day at his house all together, and then go to the spring.

John’s house was a really cool place, built by hand, by him, from the ground up over 25 years in spurts. The house sat on many acres of land, which was mostly wild, with a stream running through, and gardens outside the house. I loved the house, the vibe, the art and books, the raw wood, the outdoor shower and especially the super-huge rustic table in the kitchen. I also loved John and Aya, quite easily and naturally, and felt great being around them.

We were joined the next day by a mutual friend of John, Quinn and Shellie named Monica, and her son Nate. I had met Monica before only once briefly, when she was just learning of the shift in Quinn and Shellie’s relationship. I felt her opening up to me on this visit, and we connected quite amiably and genuinely through conversations about birth and life throughout the day.

Though I found myself a bit quieter than usual in a social setting, I was enjoying connecting with these new friends and being in their presence, despite that I had wanted to be alone previously. Yet, I basically ignored Shellie for most of the weekend, except to notice my feelings about her and mostly my aversion to her. I was getting really tired of being annoyed  for no particular reason, just by her being around, and this was the only way I could see to deal with it at the time.

After making about 5 gallons of beet kimchi and collecting over 100 gallons of water at the spring, we parted from our friends and got back in the pick-up for the drive home. I sat in the middle this time, realizing that I could still spread out since Shellie is so small and takes up hardly any space. That was one aspect of her I was able to appreciate just then.

When we arrived back to our kitchen at the Garden of Eden, all three of us were hungry. We pulled from the freezer a delicious raw pie that Shellie had made a few days earlier. Shellie ate from her plate, and I fed Quinn and myself straight from the pie dish. Among the things I had found to appreciate about Shellie, the delicious food she would often make and set in the fridge for all to share was the most enjoyable, so far.

A short conversation began between Shellie and I about our dynamic. I remarked how our relationship is a bit like sisters- you don’t choose them, they are just there, in your life; you go through important, intense personal process with them as a natural product of sharing life and space together. And even though you may “like” them less than your friends, in a way, you Love them just as much or more. I was trying once more to tune into whatever appreciation I could for her, and to accept where I was with liking/Loving her. While my appreciation was genuine, it was a bit forced at first.

She agreed about the importance we are sharing and expressed appreciation to have me in her life, like a sister. She embraced me, and I hugged her back. While holding one another, she looked up at me with a sweet and tender look in her eyes, and I wondered what she meant by this communication.

Quinn and I bid her goodnight, and went upstairs to our bedroom. I laid down and reflected on the whole dynamic, with focus on the recent days and moments, and particularly that look she gave me.

Then, it came to me. So simply and so softly. She was asking me to Love her. She was just like me- just a little girl inside who just wanted to be loved and included. She was looking at me with big tender eyes of vulnerability, asking for my Love.

I chose in that moment that I would Love her. Not because I think she is awesome, or because she deserves it. Not because I want her to love me, and not even to further any agenda of my own personal growth. I would Love her just to Love her. Just for the sake of Love itself, with all conditions aside.

Immediately I felt the weight of annoyance and resistance lift. I felt the lightness of Love in my heart and on my being. I could stop trying to find reasons to justify liking her and ideas that would help me Love her. I could also stop finding reasons not to Love or like her, but just accept her for who and where she was, and Love her just to Love her. This felt so much better!

I recalled how, months earlier, in taking full responsibility for my Love for Quinn, I had realized that the aspect of loving someone that benefits me most is my Love for them. It feels SO good to Love. And it is so much easier when there are no conditions and reasons and justifications for that Love. And here it was again. I was able to now feel so good, rather than so annoyed, just by consciously choosing to Love.

But this was actually way more easy, not to mention True. Loving unconditionally, I reminded myself, means to Love without conditions. Duh.

The next day, I found it so easy and enjoyable to be around Shellie. I was relating to her in a whole new way, from a place of genuine unconditional Love, and we were connecting so easily and fluidly. I found myself truly embracing her presence and wanting to share with her much more.

The energetics of this internal shift also manifested in an amazingly conscious and connected conversation between me and my actual sister Jen. She and I have found it difficult to relate and to love one another in the past, and had even come to some points where we had just given up trying to relate at all. When I called that day to speak to my Mom, Jen answered the phone. Our conversation was the best we have ever had! We were both so open as she asked me all about my living situation here, and the social dynamics between me, Quinn and Shellie. We explored the consciousness behind realities that are unfolding for me, and she was genuinely receptive to many of the radical ideas which have inspired these events.

I was so amazed and delighted. She was one of the last people with whom I thought I would be sharing about my radical personal revolution. Yet there we were, talking openly about controversial topics as they applied to my life and to Love and Freedom in and of themselves. It was so clear that she cared so much and only wanted to ensure that I was truly benefiting from my experiences. It was also so clear how she was willing to explore new ideas from an open and intelligent perspective. My heart soared. This was not only the best conversation we had ever had, but also the first real conversation we had had in many months, at least.

This was an unexpected manifestation of the shift in my energetics that had taken place the night before. Yet a very welcome one.

After getting off the phone with her, I excitedly went to share with Quinn how awesome my conversation was. Shellie was standing there too on the patio, and I took the opportunity to share with her too, how this had come about. She listened and said she had noticed how much easier it had been for her too on that day to Love me. We embraced in appreciation of the moment and the Love that we were able to share.

I chose to Love, for the sake of Love. Simple, easy, and yet had been so elusive to me for what seemed like such a long time. Like the magic eye posters, those 3-d images that pop out of an image that seems like a meaningless pattern. Once you get to just a certain perspective, the image becomes clear.

“Love Ever True”

The Story of How Quinn, Shellie and I Came to Live In Love Together