Beal-sai, Love Guru

I have a new Love Guru these days. Her name is Beal-Sai.

She doesn’t have a website, or a facebook page, or a blog, or a book or even a single word of wisdom. She teaches purely by example.

She lives, she loves, simply and truly. She loves without ideas, attachments or expectations.

She is totally free in the genuine expression of her truth from moment to moment, without shame, judgment, blame, guilt or any of the other dysfunctional emotions most of us experience in our relationships on a regular basis.

She has provided me with some of the most profound lessons about Love that I have recently learned.

Lesson 1: Unconditional Love

Beal-Sai Loves Truly, and unconditionally. When she Loves, it is simply because she does, because it feels good, right then in that moment. The recipients of her Love need not earn it, nor deserve it nor even return it in order to receive it. They need not be beautiful, nor smart, nor accomplished, nor happy nor sad, nor any other thing which we often see as meriting “Love”.

She is not attached to the form of Love. She does not seek to define her relationships in the present, nor to get any promises of Love or connection in the future. Those whom she loves are not held to any standards or beliefs about how they should be with her or how they should treat her if they are to deserve her Love.

She is perfectly content to Love, just for Loving, without holding on or trying to make that Love last, or trying to make the recipient of Her Love conform to any standards.

If they wrong her, they will likely be forgiven. If they deny her, they will likely be given another opportunity, whenever it feels right for her.

(The first portion of this blog entry was started over a year ago, and the lessons this pure one has taught me are still important today, so I shall continue where I left off. )

Lesson 2: Love for the sake of love

Beal-sai is not using her love to fill any void within herself. She loves just because that is the true expression of who and what she is. She does not love for any “reasons” and there are no reasons why she would withhold or deny her true love. Her love exists the same way as she exists- she just exists and that is enough.

She is not attaching any value to herself because of her love, nor is she trying to prove that she is loved and therefore valued and worthy of being loved.  She does not gain social status or position because she is loving or loved, nor would she ever be interested in such an exchange. In this regard her love is so pure, so true.

Lesson 3: Love without attachment or expectation.

Beal-sai is able to love so purely and truly in part because she has no attachment or expectation regarding the behavior of those whom she loves. She is not loving them and expecting that she will be therefore treated in any sort of way, or even loved in return. She is not asking for promises of future love or even considering such things. She does not care if the one she loves most also loves her the most, nor if they love others in the same way they love her.

In this way she is fully liberated in her love, and able to just Love. Her love does not depend on anything, but is able to just exist.

Beal-Sai is a dog. Literally. Specifically she is Quinn’s parents’ dog.

The observations that led me to these revelations and this blog post were made over a year ago when Quinn and I were dog-sitting for a week at Barb’s house.

Our time there felt much like a little vacation in many ways. I was grateful to have the time with Quinn all to myself, having to share his attentions only with our little Love Guru. She showed no signs of jealousy, yet certainly showed an interest in being a part of or at least near by to any loving that was going on between us.

I, on the other hand, had been in the grips of jealousy and had not appreciated “sharing” Quinn with Shellie at the home we three had come to share. I had many judgments about Quinn and Shellie both, both as individual people and as they related to each other.

I wanted so much to let go if the many ideas, attachments and expectations that were then crippling my own ability to love and feel loved in return. I wanted to love Quinn freely and truly, and realized that this could not exist with all the conditions I was putting on my love. In seeing little Beal-Sai, I was so inspired by how her mode of being and loving could greatly benefit me.

There was one evening when I woke from a nap and went to seek out Quinn, feeling a strong pull to be near to him. I looked around the house, and not seeing him anywhere, concluded that he was in Shellie’s room. I thought to myself, “If I had no attachment or expectations, but just true love, I would be totally fine with Quinn doing whatever he is doing with Shellie right now, and therefore would feel totally fine with just strolling in and plopping down beside them”. I realized that was not the case, but enjoyed the comparison and chose to release once more another layer of ideas.

I did this not for Quinn, not to liberate him from my constraints. Obviously I was not having much of a constraining effect on him. I did this for me. I wanted my love to be liberated. I wanted to be capable of loving this way, so that I could have reliable, unrestricted access to my own feelings of love. And if I truly had no expectations or attachments to how my love was received, I would also potentially gain unrestricted access to my loved one.

In the example above, it was obvious why my presence would not be welcome if I had been to enter Shellie’s room with attachment and expectation about what they were doing, why they were doing it, and what I thought that meant for me. Beal-Sai had come into the bedroom one afternoon while Quinn and I were engaged sexually. She just strolled up and plopped down on the corner of the bed, happy to be in the misdst of a loving exchange. That would not have been the case for me if I had happened upon Shellie and Quinn engaging sexually. And I realized that the only real difference was where I was coming from.

I was coming from a place of judgment, attachment and expectation. Beal-Sai was coming from a place of pure love. There was no reason for us to exclude her from our presence because she was not creating one. She would not have judged our bodies, our character, our actions. She would have had no attachment to how she was received, whether she was included, acknowledged or ever ejected from the room. She was in full and complete acceptance of everything going on and therefore she was fully and completely acceptable to us.

If I had gone in there to find Quinn and Shellie engaging sexually, I would have most likely judged them in many ways. I would have most likely wanted to get some attention, some validation that I was important and loved too. I would have most likely been very uncomfortable and thereby made everyone very uncomfortable.

Now, I am not necessarily saying that I have any particular desire to be present while Quinn and Shellie engage sexually. What I wanted was to be free to love him always, to be with him always, if that is what I wanted. I realized through watching this little puppy that the power to liberate my love rested in with me.

I also wanted very much, in a purely selfish way, to BE someone who is capable of loving as purely and truly as this. I envision my greater self as someone so fulfilled, so pure and loving that I have no needs of others and can just go around overflowing with love, abundantly showering my love upon all those who cross my path. I want to be the one who loves this beautiful, God-like love. I want to inspire others to be this too. I want the gift of my awesome love to be available for me to give to those whom I really do love, because I love them and I want them to have the very best love I can give them.

I am so thankful to have been inspired to be more of what I want to be and know I can be. Thank you Beal-Sai, love guru, for showing me what it means to love freely and truly.

 

Mistress of My Universe

The night that Quinn, Shellie and I picked beets, I was lying in bed in John’s blissfully breezy living room, contemplating my experience and how it reflected my self, and I had some moments of higher clarity. I could look all day long at what was going on around me, and make all kinds of inferences and assessments of the causes and effects of external forces, and how these events me feel. But I realized then, as I sometimes do, that this is not actually how the universe works at all.

ALL our experiences are a direct manifestation of Our Own energetics. It only seems like things just happen, that the world we experience is based on the cause and effect of material matters and influences, and that these events make us feel a certain way. But in reality, I am the center of my Universe, and it responds directly to my energetics. It is actually my true feelings that make the world around me.

Science shows us that subatomic particles behave in direct response to the expectation of the observer. If this is how the base particles of matter respond to consciousness, then it follows that all matter responds to consciousness in this way as well. The universe is alive and responding to ME exactly as I dictate.

I am the master of my own universe… or would be if I were fully aware of my self. But I am not  truly master of  my own being, nor therefore my universe, as I am usually unaware of much about myself. Without full consciousness, there is much that occurs in my universe without my conscious input or choice or understanding or even awareness.

Because the universe responds to my true energetics, it shows me myself. Looking at the my universe, looking at my experience, I have the opportunity to become aware of more of myself.

So, what I am most inspired by and interested in lately, if you have not yet gathered, is Love. Since falling in Love with Quinn, I have been through an incredibly vast of array of experiences of Love, shedding many ideas, attachments and expectations along the way… so far.

Early on in both our relationship and in the exploration of consciousness that is the foundation of our relationship, I came to embrace Love as truly important to me. That alone was so scary for me, and also so fulfilling once I was able to embrace and accept the vulnerability that comes with Loving. This moment of supreme truth was one of the most powerful and life altering epiphanies I have ever had. Prior to that moment, without even being aware of it, I had been living my entire life in denial of my true desire to Love and be Loved. As soon as I embraced this truth, my whole world shifted, and in an instant I felt totally In Love. Not in Love specifically with anyone or anything, just completely in Love, and totally fulfilled in that moment.

Then I started learning how to take full responsibility for my Love in loving Quinn- loving without attachment, expectation or ideas, but simply because it is true and because it feels so good. This, in and of itself, has been quite the ongoing process, as I continue to become aware of all the many ideas, attachments and expectations I have held regarding Love, and what it is and means, and how it should look and feel as relationships plays out in time-space realities.

Much of what I have been re-thinking in the past couple months are the ideas I have held in regards to the forms which Love takes, and the meanings I have attached to those forms. In regards to his dynamic with Shellie, the primary form has been sex. I had a lot of ideas about what it meant for him and her, and what it would mean for us if this form were to be a part of their expression of Love. My experience has shown me that these ideas were not all Truth, and has challenged me to really FEEL truth for myself.

At the point where the “Love Ever True” story leaves off, a couple weeks ago, I was so happy that I was able to Love and be Loved still, despite the occasional occurrence of a form of Love exchange which I had previously thought would automatically negate or destroy my Love. I had come to a place of true embrace and genuine support of Quinn’s total freedom to be and live exactly as he is most inspired to do. This is how I wish to be Loved, and so also how I would choose to Love. This was my ideal and I was choosing to live my life by that.

Yet I was still experiencing much fear, resistance and generally feeling bad in regards to this form of sexual exchange outside of our relationship.  I was still often having disconcerting thoughts and experiencing fear in relation to this form, and trying to control of manipulate situations to prevent the “straying” of Quinn’s Love. Even though the instances of Quinn choosing the intimate company of another had been relatively few and far between, I felt somehow that I would be deprived if someone else got his Love, as if I needed it.

I thought I had come to a place of true peace with this form, having seen for myself that I was still Loved by him and I was still able to Love him, even more freely and truly than before…right? So why then was I still having these feelings?

Not only was I still experiencing fear and resistance in regards to his exchanges with Shellie, but I was also finding myself constantly seeking his approval. I would notice myself thinking very often of how he would react to my actions or decisions, if he would be pleased or displeased. If he was pleased, I would feel Loved, and if not, then I would not feel Loved…

I realized that was basing my whole life on “getting” his Love. This was very disconcerting to me. This was certainly not living Free or True, but living a life of fear. Oh no! Not again!

I was feeling less and less connected with Quinn, less and less connected with myself, questioning my decision to move to Kennedale, questioning what was really truly important to me, and how I was living my entire life.

So many doubts. Would all this be worth it? Was I living by ideas, just trying to live up to an ideal that didn’t really feel good or true? Was Quinn really going to be for me what I wanted him to be for me? And what even did I want from him? What was really in my best interest?

It was becoming more clear from my awareness of all these feelings and fears that, although I was able to largely “get over” ideas about a form of exchange which I previously thought was a huge threat to our relationship, I was still very attached to the perpetuation of our relationship, specifically in a particular form.

Attachment is not ideal, certainly, but I realize that I have acted in fear of it. By being afraid to be attached, I was trying to prove to myself that I was not attached, and mentally exploring all kinds of realities of detachment from Quinn. Among them was the idea that I could be with him, live with him, Love him and yet not care what he did at all.

I rationalized that if I were fully and truly a self-existing empowered being, then I would not care if Quinn Loves me or not, or who else he Loves or how he shares that Love with them. There may have been some truth to that, yet I was going about it by trying, and trying is not the way. In trying, I was also denying my own truth in many moments, and building myself a little cage of ideas yet again.

I thought that by staying in a situation where I experienced severe discomfort as a result of caring about another, that this would somehow catalyze me into full self-existance and empowerment, simply because this would be my only other option besides severe discomfort… or leaving.

Well, I found myself contemplating leaving, at least for a little while, who knew how long, that day we picked beets. And the thoughts came into my head more and more over the next week or two. This was the other way that I thought I could live free and true to myself, yet it would be without Quinn.

I know I am capable of being independent, totally self sufficient and being at least reasonably content that way. It has been my default since childhood, and ingrained and practiced throughout adulthood to near perfection. I am able to operate highly functionally and feel really good without anyone else in particular having to be a part of that. If I wasn’t able to be happy and fulfilled within this relationship, then I could just leave. But was that really going to be an upgrade for me? Where was I really coming from with all these thoughts and feelings? In truth, I have had one foot out the door since moving to Texas.

It has been dizzying, they way I have fluctuated the last couple of weeks, unclear about my own true feelings. It was true that our relationship, our connection, our True Love was of utmost importance to me. But they way I was experiencing and expressing that importance was totally fucked. I was vacillating between embracing my Love and denying it; wanting Quinn and wanting to not want him; being responsible for my experience, and blaming others for my feeling bad.

I believe that we manifest forms that will provide us with the experiences that will provide opportunity for us to learn and grow in ways that are most important and beneficial to us at a given time. Whether we actually glean maximum benefit from those experiences is up to us. So, I asked myself, what were the root formless energetics within me that were causing these forms to manifest in my experience?

It was clear to me from the experience of lack of these feelings that I wanted to be Loved and cherished above all others, and to feel secure in that Love. It was also clear that I was looking outside myself to have these desires fulfilled.

I was experiencing not being Loved above all others and feeling insecure because I was not loving myself above all others. I was putting my Love for Quinn above my own Love for myself, and my own Truth and Freedom.  By living for his Love, rather than feeling fulfilled with my own Love, I was forsaking my own Love for myself. And if I was forsaking my own Love for myself, then of course my experience of sharing Love with others would reflect this.

I saw a clear metaphor between the reality of me putting another before myself, and also the experience of feeling like the one most important to me was putting another before me at times. I was making decisions based on what I thought was important to someone else  over what was important to me. I was putting the importance of someone else’s feelings about be before the importance of my own feelings about myself. And life was doing the same, of course.

My life was treating me the same way that I was treating myself. Then I realized, my life IS MY SELF! It is a big expanded version of myself, and the way I feel about my life and the various people and dynamics within it are just a manifestation, a perfect reflection of how I feel about myself. Life will treat me however I treat myself!

As mistress of My Own Universe, I was able to see a bit more clearly how the responsibility of creating my life was truly mine and no one else’s. With great power comes great responsibility.

 

Like a Sister… Kind of

Lots of people use this expression, to love another “like a sister”.

I used it one night when I was talking to Shellie about our relationship to one another, but I meant it in a slightly different sort of way than perhaps most would use it.

A few days after completing our articles for Rethinking Everything Magazine, Shellie brought about an opportunity for us to go and harvest and collect lots of beets, some herbs, and there was also a fresh water spring nearby.

On the morning this came up, I was actually feeling quite stressed. I had been feeling really disconnected from Quinn, and the Garden of Eden, and really off center within myself,  and was considering how nice it might be to just get out for a bit, go somewhere breezy and natural, with no one around.

Quinn came into our room and told me about this opportunity, and said he would go for sure, and asked if I wanted to come too. I considered it for a moment, and it seemed like it could just fit the bill of what I was already asking for. So I said I would go, and started to feel a bit excited about our little adventure. Then I asked if Shellie was coming, and upon receiving an affirmative answer, I noticed the glow of my excitement begin to fade.

I was in a really great place of accepting and supporting whatever was important to Quinn, including his relationship with Shellie. However, I was still not “in Love” with her. I still felt a lot of resistance to her being around me, often noticing myself silently criticizing her, and finding all kinds of reasons not to fully embrace her. Conversely, I had also been on  alert for any amount of true appreciation or enjoyment all the time, and often using whatever ideas I could to try to support an argument in favor of liking her. I was trying to convince myself of her value in order to appreciate her.

I wanted to like her, and even to Love her. I knew that she was providing me with immense opportunity for growth, just by her willingness to be where she was in relation to me and Quinn, and also by giving up her home to Quinn and therefore to me too. I felt sometimes like such a brat and a bitch for the thoughts I had about her, and how I was shutting her out most of the time. I was “trying” at times to find ways to like and Love her, and just letting go at other times, recognizing that trying is not the way. But in truth I was really just not satisfied with where I truly was with the matter. I was still in a state of inner disharmony, unable to be in full embrace of either Loving her or not.

So it was with some degree of annoyance that I got into my little black pick-up for the trip, squeezed in next to her. For the first time, I opted to have her sit in the middle, next to Quinn, and took the slightly more spacious passenger seat for myself. The middle seat had been quite a scrunch the last time I was sandwiched there, with my expanding belly making it ever more uncomfortable to sit in a crouched position. Anyway I wanted to be alone that day, and the window seat would suit me just fine.

We drove a little over an hour to get to the farm where we picked beets. I tried my best to make a little energetic bubble for myself, but I still noticed myself feeling encroached and bothered by Shelllie’s presence. Though I knew there were many reasons for and aspects of benefit to her presence, I still did not actually want her there with us.

We had started our journey in the evening, and finished picking beets as the sun set. We would stay at the home of the man who had grown the beets, John, where he lived with his young daughter, Aya,  for the night and make beet-based foods the next day at his house all together, and then go to the spring.

John’s house was a really cool place, built by hand, by him, from the ground up over 25 years in spurts. The house sat on many acres of land, which was mostly wild, with a stream running through, and gardens outside the house. I loved the house, the vibe, the art and books, the raw wood, the outdoor shower and especially the super-huge rustic table in the kitchen. I also loved John and Aya, quite easily and naturally, and felt great being around them.

We were joined the next day by a mutual friend of John, Quinn and Shellie named Monica, and her son Nate. I had met Monica before only once briefly, when she was just learning of the shift in Quinn and Shellie’s relationship. I felt her opening up to me on this visit, and we connected quite amiably and genuinely through conversations about birth and life throughout the day.

Though I found myself a bit quieter than usual in a social setting, I was enjoying connecting with these new friends and being in their presence, despite that I had wanted to be alone previously. Yet, I basically ignored Shellie for most of the weekend, except to notice my feelings about her and mostly my aversion to her. I was getting really tired of being annoyed  for no particular reason, just by her being around, and this was the only way I could see to deal with it at the time.

After making about 5 gallons of beet kimchi and collecting over 100 gallons of water at the spring, we parted from our friends and got back in the pick-up for the drive home. I sat in the middle this time, realizing that I could still spread out since Shellie is so small and takes up hardly any space. That was one aspect of her I was able to appreciate just then.

When we arrived back to our kitchen at the Garden of Eden, all three of us were hungry. We pulled from the freezer a delicious raw pie that Shellie had made a few days earlier. Shellie ate from her plate, and I fed Quinn and myself straight from the pie dish. Among the things I had found to appreciate about Shellie, the delicious food she would often make and set in the fridge for all to share was the most enjoyable, so far.

A short conversation began between Shellie and I about our dynamic. I remarked how our relationship is a bit like sisters- you don’t choose them, they are just there, in your life; you go through important, intense personal process with them as a natural product of sharing life and space together. And even though you may “like” them less than your friends, in a way, you Love them just as much or more. I was trying once more to tune into whatever appreciation I could for her, and to accept where I was with liking/Loving her. While my appreciation was genuine, it was a bit forced at first.

She agreed about the importance we are sharing and expressed appreciation to have me in her life, like a sister. She embraced me, and I hugged her back. While holding one another, she looked up at me with a sweet and tender look in her eyes, and I wondered what she meant by this communication.

Quinn and I bid her goodnight, and went upstairs to our bedroom. I laid down and reflected on the whole dynamic, with focus on the recent days and moments, and particularly that look she gave me.

Then, it came to me. So simply and so softly. She was asking me to Love her. She was just like me- just a little girl inside who just wanted to be loved and included. She was looking at me with big tender eyes of vulnerability, asking for my Love.

I chose in that moment that I would Love her. Not because I think she is awesome, or because she deserves it. Not because I want her to love me, and not even to further any agenda of my own personal growth. I would Love her just to Love her. Just for the sake of Love itself, with all conditions aside.

Immediately I felt the weight of annoyance and resistance lift. I felt the lightness of Love in my heart and on my being. I could stop trying to find reasons to justify liking her and ideas that would help me Love her. I could also stop finding reasons not to Love or like her, but just accept her for who and where she was, and Love her just to Love her. This felt so much better!

I recalled how, months earlier, in taking full responsibility for my Love for Quinn, I had realized that the aspect of loving someone that benefits me most is my Love for them. It feels SO good to Love. And it is so much easier when there are no conditions and reasons and justifications for that Love. And here it was again. I was able to now feel so good, rather than so annoyed, just by consciously choosing to Love.

But this was actually way more easy, not to mention True. Loving unconditionally, I reminded myself, means to Love without conditions. Duh.

The next day, I found it so easy and enjoyable to be around Shellie. I was relating to her in a whole new way, from a place of genuine unconditional Love, and we were connecting so easily and fluidly. I found myself truly embracing her presence and wanting to share with her much more.

The energetics of this internal shift also manifested in an amazingly conscious and connected conversation between me and my actual sister Jen. She and I have found it difficult to relate and to love one another in the past, and had even come to some points where we had just given up trying to relate at all. When I called that day to speak to my Mom, Jen answered the phone. Our conversation was the best we have ever had! We were both so open as she asked me all about my living situation here, and the social dynamics between me, Quinn and Shellie. We explored the consciousness behind realities that are unfolding for me, and she was genuinely receptive to many of the radical ideas which have inspired these events.

I was so amazed and delighted. She was one of the last people with whom I thought I would be sharing about my radical personal revolution. Yet there we were, talking openly about controversial topics as they applied to my life and to Love and Freedom in and of themselves. It was so clear that she cared so much and only wanted to ensure that I was truly benefiting from my experiences. It was also so clear how she was willing to explore new ideas from an open and intelligent perspective. My heart soared. This was not only the best conversation we had ever had, but also the first real conversation we had had in many months, at least.

This was an unexpected manifestation of the shift in my energetics that had taken place the night before. Yet a very welcome one.

After getting off the phone with her, I excitedly went to share with Quinn how awesome my conversation was. Shellie was standing there too on the patio, and I took the opportunity to share with her too, how this had come about. She listened and said she had noticed how much easier it had been for her too on that day to Love me. We embraced in appreciation of the moment and the Love that we were able to share.

I chose to Love, for the sake of Love. Simple, easy, and yet had been so elusive to me for what seemed like such a long time. Like the magic eye posters, those 3-d images that pop out of an image that seems like a meaningless pattern. Once you get to just a certain perspective, the image becomes clear.

Unfolding Continues

Last week I wrote an article for Rethinking Everything Magazine, my first public piece of writing ever, and my most revealing.

In that 30 page article, I wrote about falling in Love with a man who lives and breathes consciousness and freedom, and how the events that unfolded from that Love have begun a transformation of my entire self and my entire life.

I loved writing it.

I love words, I love sharing, I love combining the two.

And as I was coming to the Now point of the story, I realized I had no real way to conclude. There is no conclusion- Life and this story continue to unfold. Consciousness continues to be explored and to expand.

I woke up this morning, reflecting on some (painful) realizations I had last night, and felt inspired to write and share some more, to continue the story as it unfolds

And so begins this blog.

The full story- mine, his and hers, are available at:

http://www.rethinkingeverythingmagazine.net/

Starting July 1, 2011

“Love Ever True”

The Story of How Quinn, Shellie and I Came to Live In Love Together