Tunnel-of-Love Vision

Back in the Garden of Eden, back in the drivers seat of my experience,  I was doing my best to steer myself consciously toward love and awareness. I wanted so much for Quinn and I to love one another and for our love to grow, to flourish, and to nurture each of us and our yet unborn baby.

It felt SO good to be in a place of allowing myself to desire and dream again. The simple embrace of hope allowed me to fantasize, which allowed me to tap into the feelings I wanted to feel, right then and there. And once I had come into the place of feeling the feeling of having whatever I wanted to have or being whatever I wanted to be, I would consciously remind myself that it was the feeling I was after, after all.

This did much to improve my experience of living day to day with Quinn and Shellie, as did the influx of interns who were to live and work at the Garden of Eden. We were up to seven adults, one child and three cats. I don’t recall exactly when everyone arrived, but I do remember that it was much more enjoyable for me to live there as part of a community, rather than an imbalanced and awkward threesome, as it had been for a few weeks after my initial move.

I had scheduled a trip to visit friends and family back in Rochester, New York, the city where I grew up and where my parents still lived. When I first made the plans it seemed like a great chance to escape the stress of acclimating to so many new aspects of life, and to really step back and consider whether all this was really in my best interest. By the time my scheduled departure date came around, I had mixed feelings about going.

On the one hand, I was a bit afraid of what might happen in my absence. Would Quinn forget about me completely in his full-on, full speed embrace of the ever-changing, eternal now? Would Shellie make her super-secret special move to surreptitiously “steal” him back? Would someone else enter the picture from among the many, many, many other women who are both openly and secretly in love with Quinn, both at home and abroad?

Putting these fears aside, I decided to focus what was important to me, and loving Quinn was still high on the list. Loving myself was also high on the list, and I did need a little break from the emotionally hectic environment I was in. I had been having trouble sleeping, even still, even despite my best efforts to get a grip on my fear-based thoughts. I kept finding myself on the brink of sleep and waking with a rush of fear when it crossed my sleepy, half-conscious mind, that Quinn might be exchanging intimately with Shellie. I hoped that being away would help me to completely tune out of Quinn and what was going on for him, more fully let go of my many attachments regarding him, and finally relax a bit.

The guilt I felt when I considered that I was incubating my unborn child in stress hormones was another major motivating factor for me to find a way to chill out, ASAP. I mean chill out both literally and figuratively, as it was at this time mid July in the hottest summer even Texas had seen in a long time. We had gone over forty days in triple digit temperatures, and being a very “green” home, we did not use air conditioning, just a few fans. I had a stash of hand towels and a crock of water by the side of the bed that I called my “AC towels”, which actually were quite effective at keeping me cool when placed wet on my body with a fan blowing on me. Still, a break from the heat was quite welcome at seven months pregnant.

So I went, without a return ticket, to stay for as long as I felt like staying. I knew when I left that it would not likely be for too long, and that I would almost certainly return. Yet there was a part of me that wanted to let Quinn believe that I was really considering not coming back, so that he might realize that he could possibly lose me. The possibility of loss, I had hoped, might trigger some deeper sense of appreciation and actions to support that. Of course, I was not willing to acknowledge this aloud to him or anyone, but kept it my own private agenda.

The time and space away from Quinn and everything that was a part of our life back in Texas gave me a nice little bubble in which to meditate and consider deeply what the hell had been going on for the last few months. It had been really intense, making such a major transition- moving to a new home in a state I had never even visited, in a new relationship, trying out a completely new relationship dynamic, all the while pregnant with my first baby. Holy shit! It was so much to process and digest, seemingly so fast, way more than I had been able to keep up with. I was thankful for some reprieve.

Lying in bed, alone for the entire night for the first time in a long time, what felt most important for me to consider was how I had been responsible for the degradation of my own experience of love, and also therefore how I could empower myself to also be responsible for an improvement in my own experience. I became acutely aware that I had allowed myself to spend a huge proportion of my time to be dominated by these  fear based thoughts and feelings, which overwhelmed my being and therefore my life. I realized that I had been blowing things way out of proportion.

When I began to really consider what I had actually seen, I realized that the reality was that there was much evidence that the love Quinn was sharing with Shellie was of a very different nature than that which he shared with me. I had feared that he was “getting back together” with her, falling in love with her all over again. But when I removed the fear goggles through which I had been viewing all their interactions, I could easily see that that was not what was happening. And I had been making a mountain out of a molehill.

The reality was that Quinn had been spending almost all of his nights and down time with me, going to visit his parents with me, sleeping with me, watching anime series with me, kissing and hugging me, flirting with me, not with Shellie. Trying to be more objective in my perspective, I saw that Shellie was more and more openly loving and adoring Quinn every chance she got, and Quinn was lovingly allowing her to do so whenever it was convenient for him. He did not appear going out of his way to make time to be with her.

While I had been spending every night and much of the day thinking about Quinn’s involvement with Shellie, he had actually spent very little time with her. He had disappeared into the privacy of her bedroom only once about every couple of weeks or so, for a few hours or so, usually at times when I was asleep. In fact, when I thought about it, I could at that point actually still count on both hands the number of times that Quinn spent any time alone with Shellie at all, since I had moved there a few months before.

I had felt so much like he was choosing her over me in a general sort of way, and felt very hurt about this. But when I considered it from the perspective of time, in a specific way, the instances of this actually happening were few. It had happened only once or twice that I was awake and wanting to be with him and he chose to go and be with Shellie instead, and even then he came back to bed a few hours later, still very obviously in love with me, as I had feared would not and could not be the case if he also loved Shellie.

Mostly I had been focusing on the fact that they were being so intimate, and going out of my mind about it. In all my fear and frenzy, I had not really considered why and how these moments had come about,what it meant to each of them, and what that meant to me. I was so focused on the form that I forgot to pay any attention to the formless energetics from which these forms were manifesting, which is the far more important matter.

Quinn, for his part, seemed to enjoy her affections, but not to really return them, at least not in the same way. I had seen them flirt only once, in a very playful manner, during an impromptu wrestling match int he kitchen. I had never once seen them kiss, and when I asked Quinn if they ever “made out”, he gave a slight chuckle, almost a scoff, and replied that he and Shellie had not “made out” in years.

I had seen it many times that he would be sitting in relaxation or on his computer, and she would go over and sit close to him, and massage, caress or embrace him, and he would usually surrender into her adoration. Upon receiving her touch, he would simply go limp, as he usually does when receiving a massage, consciously choosing to go into a deep state of relaxation to receive optimum benefit. He was just doing what any sane, self-loving person would do and saying “yes” to being adored and served. It now seemed that it was very clearly she who appeared to be initiating contact, and she who was actively touching him, she whose energy was pulling for his.

Once I really thought about it, I could not recall seeing him initiate any intimate contact with her in front of me, nor even ever return her loving caresses with much more than an arm around her or resting on her body.  The most actively intimate I had actually witnessed Quinn being with Shellie was when he would lovingly gaze into her eyes for many minutes at times, in a vortex of love. But this is not at all unusual for Quinn, as he does this with complete strangers, men and women alike, and therefore is not reasonable evidence, in and of itself, of him being more in love with Shellie than he is with everyone/me in particular, as I had feared was the case.

What a relief! I was the one who had been making things so hard on myself, all through the power of my focus. I was so happy to realize that my worst fears had NOT been coming true, right before my eyes, not yet anyway.

Sure, I was still very insecure and giving lots of power to ideas, attachments and expectations, true. I still had lots of ideas about Love, and sex, and major attachment to Quinn and our relationship, and loads of expectations on that. I was still feeling very insecure about my future, our future together, and lots of attachment and expectation surrounding that too.

But at least I had found a perspective that felt better, that served my immediate well being. At least I had found some power through taking responsibility for my own focus and also for what what I was bringing to the table.

I realized too that all the separation I had been feeling from Quinn since moving to Kennedale was primarily because I was the one who was not in a state of love. I was not loving him. I was the one in judgment. I was the one trying to manipulate and control him.  I was the one putting conditions and restrictions on love. I was the one who was allowing fear and jealousy and lack to dominate my vibration. I was the one shutting out love.

How wonderful! Yes, WONDERFUL!

Responsibility is the key to empowerment.

By taking full responsibility for all that sucked-ass about my experience, I simultaneously empowered myself to create a new reality. And that felt SO GOOD!

So, if all my experience was created by my focus, all I had to do to create a more enjoyable experience for myself was to focus on what did feel good, on what I did want. Duh. So simple and yet so c0mplex.

I resolved to narrow my focus and concentrate on what really mattered to me, which was the flourishing of love between me and Quinn. I decided to stop thinking about Quinn and Shellie all the time, to stop asking him all kinds of questions about their relationship all day and night long, to stop focusing on their love and start focusing on ours.

In fact, I would stop thinking about Quinn’s relationships with anyone else at all, particularly those that I felt were a threat to our relationship. There are about a million women in love with him whom he connects and interacts with primarily through the internet. So in my consciously narrowed focus, I would also stop looking over his shoulder when he was chatting or messaging on facebook, stop wondering if these women would decide to embrace the importance of being with him and come to be with him, stop fearing that he would welcome and love them to my exclusion.

I would focus as much as I possibly could on looking for all the evidence I could find that he was totally in love with me, and that I had every reason to feel secure. I would tune into the feeling of our love as often as possible. I would tune in to the feeling of trusting in the truth and power of our love as deeply as I was able, and shut out fears and doubts that anything would happen that I did not want to happen.

I would create a vortex of love in my own mind and view my life through this tunnel vision, only, as much as possible. Fantasizing, for the purpose of conjuring a feeling, was easy and fun. Finding true belief, cultivating real faith, would still require some time and dedication, but I was clear that it would be fully worth the investment. My previous step was coming into the belief that I could create the life and love that I desired for myself. Now my task was to envision and feel my way to that reality.

I was clear and firm within myself that Quinn and I were the ONLY ones who would hold the power to make or break our relationship, and that nothing and no one else would come between us, unless WE allowed it to.

Feeling optimistic and empowered about my relationship to Quinn, I returned to the Garden of Eden, to try again to love, Truly.


Beal-sai, Love Guru

I have a new Love Guru these days. Her name is Beal-Sai.

She doesn’t have a website, or a facebook page, or a blog, or a book or even a single word of wisdom. She teaches purely by example.

She lives, she loves, simply and truly. She loves without ideas, attachments or expectations.

She is totally free in the genuine expression of her truth from moment to moment, without shame, judgment, blame, guilt or any of the other dysfunctional emotions most of us experience in our relationships on a regular basis.

She has provided me with some of the most profound lessons about Love that I have recently learned.

Lesson 1: Unconditional Love

Beal-Sai Loves Truly, and unconditionally. When she Loves, it is simply because she does, because it feels good, right then in that moment. The recipients of her Love need not earn it, nor deserve it nor even return it in order to receive it. They need not be beautiful, nor smart, nor accomplished, nor happy nor sad, nor any other thing which we often see as meriting “Love”.

She is not attached to the form of Love. She does not seek to define her relationships in the present, nor to get any promises of Love or connection in the future. Those whom she loves are not held to any standards or beliefs about how they should be with her or how they should treat her if they are to deserve her Love.

She is perfectly content to Love, just for Loving, without holding on or trying to make that Love last, or trying to make the recipient of Her Love conform to any standards.

If they wrong her, they will likely be forgiven. If they deny her, they will likely be given another opportunity, whenever it feels right for her.

(The first portion of this blog entry was started over a year ago, and the lessons this pure one has taught me are still important today, so I shall continue where I left off. )

Lesson 2: Love for the sake of love

Beal-sai is not using her love to fill any void within herself. She loves just because that is the true expression of who and what she is. She does not love for any “reasons” and there are no reasons why she would withhold or deny her true love. Her love exists the same way as she exists- she just exists and that is enough.

She is not attaching any value to herself because of her love, nor is she trying to prove that she is loved and therefore valued and worthy of being loved.  She does not gain social status or position because she is loving or loved, nor would she ever be interested in such an exchange. In this regard her love is so pure, so true.

Lesson 3: Love without attachment or expectation.

Beal-sai is able to love so purely and truly in part because she has no attachment or expectation regarding the behavior of those whom she loves. She is not loving them and expecting that she will be therefore treated in any sort of way, or even loved in return. She is not asking for promises of future love or even considering such things. She does not care if the one she loves most also loves her the most, nor if they love others in the same way they love her.

In this way she is fully liberated in her love, and able to just Love. Her love does not depend on anything, but is able to just exist.

Beal-Sai is a dog. Literally. Specifically she is Quinn’s parents’ dog.

The observations that led me to these revelations and this blog post were made over a year ago when Quinn and I were dog-sitting for a week at Barb’s house.

Our time there felt much like a little vacation in many ways. I was grateful to have the time with Quinn all to myself, having to share his attentions only with our little Love Guru. She showed no signs of jealousy, yet certainly showed an interest in being a part of or at least near by to any loving that was going on between us.

I, on the other hand, had been in the grips of jealousy and had not appreciated “sharing” Quinn with Shellie at the home we three had come to share. I had many judgments about Quinn and Shellie both, both as individual people and as they related to each other.

I wanted so much to let go if the many ideas, attachments and expectations that were then crippling my own ability to love and feel loved in return. I wanted to love Quinn freely and truly, and realized that this could not exist with all the conditions I was putting on my love. In seeing little Beal-Sai, I was so inspired by how her mode of being and loving could greatly benefit me.

There was one evening when I woke from a nap and went to seek out Quinn, feeling a strong pull to be near to him. I looked around the house, and not seeing him anywhere, concluded that he was in Shellie’s room. I thought to myself, “If I had no attachment or expectations, but just true love, I would be totally fine with Quinn doing whatever he is doing with Shellie right now, and therefore would feel totally fine with just strolling in and plopping down beside them”. I realized that was not the case, but enjoyed the comparison and chose to release once more another layer of ideas.

I did this not for Quinn, not to liberate him from my constraints. Obviously I was not having much of a constraining effect on him. I did this for me. I wanted my love to be liberated. I wanted to be capable of loving this way, so that I could have reliable, unrestricted access to my own feelings of love. And if I truly had no expectations or attachments to how my love was received, I would also potentially gain unrestricted access to my loved one.

In the example above, it was obvious why my presence would not be welcome if I had been to enter Shellie’s room with attachment and expectation about what they were doing, why they were doing it, and what I thought that meant for me. Beal-Sai had come into the bedroom one afternoon while Quinn and I were engaged sexually. She just strolled up and plopped down on the corner of the bed, happy to be in the misdst of a loving exchange. That would not have been the case for me if I had happened upon Shellie and Quinn engaging sexually. And I realized that the only real difference was where I was coming from.

I was coming from a place of judgment, attachment and expectation. Beal-Sai was coming from a place of pure love. There was no reason for us to exclude her from our presence because she was not creating one. She would not have judged our bodies, our character, our actions. She would have had no attachment to how she was received, whether she was included, acknowledged or ever ejected from the room. She was in full and complete acceptance of everything going on and therefore she was fully and completely acceptable to us.

If I had gone in there to find Quinn and Shellie engaging sexually, I would have most likely judged them in many ways. I would have most likely wanted to get some attention, some validation that I was important and loved too. I would have most likely been very uncomfortable and thereby made everyone very uncomfortable.

Now, I am not necessarily saying that I have any particular desire to be present while Quinn and Shellie engage sexually. What I wanted was to be free to love him always, to be with him always, if that is what I wanted. I realized through watching this little puppy that the power to liberate my love rested in with me.

I also wanted very much, in a purely selfish way, to BE someone who is capable of loving as purely and truly as this. I envision my greater self as someone so fulfilled, so pure and loving that I have no needs of others and can just go around overflowing with love, abundantly showering my love upon all those who cross my path. I want to be the one who loves this beautiful, God-like love. I want to inspire others to be this too. I want the gift of my awesome love to be available for me to give to those whom I really do love, because I love them and I want them to have the very best love I can give them.

I am so thankful to have been inspired to be more of what I want to be and know I can be. Thank you Beal-Sai, love guru, for showing me what it means to love freely and truly.


“Love Ever True”

The Story of How Quinn, Shellie and I Came to Live In Love Together